Note: the first version of the below story appeared on 13 May 2023, in a 50-word prompt contest on the Along the Hudson stack here on Substack. Very soon after, the subject of the story (the comic sports podcast, The Pat McAfee Show) announced in a satirical (at the beginning) infomercial that the PMS will move to ESPN in fall 2023, eliciting both excitement and anger in the show’s 2.2M-strong Youtube fan base.
The unusual coincidence led me to create the below comic tribute to the PMS. If you don’t watch it, you’ll miss the jokes, but if you do, you might enjoy it. I do expect, regardless, that the show’s improbable rise and massive media and social impact will lead to many future PhD’s being written in disciplines ranging from journalism, media studies and marketing to sports, business administration, linguistics, semiotics, cultural studies and psychology.
-TRANSCRIPT-
[BC]: No, seriously, I swear- Pat’ll be voted Time Magazine Person of the Year for his personally brokering peace between Elon and Substack. Remember the TMZ thing from that yacht cruise in July- the one where I wasn’t invited? Where you think they got that intel? Yeah, well, there are binoculars, and then there are Navy binoculars, and you better believe Belichick’s got Navy binoculars out when he’s skippering 8 Rings around.
[PM]: Would you shut the… hell up Connor, that’s just totally uncalled for. You know I don’t even know how to swim, so why even- Have you ever heard of Photoshop? Jesus! And we’re supposed to be professional media now, remember? We’ve been takin’ it on the shins from outside, from inside, but from our own building? Okay… let’s pull it together.
[AQ]: Deep breath.
[PM]: Amen, brother. Well, boys, kinda reminds me- that was one hell of a second hour, wasn’t it? What Shannon Sharpe just did to our beloved A.Q. Shipley was just absurd.
[TD]: I think he’s got a hernia.
[PJ]: Looked damn painful to me.
[PM]: Anyhow, thanks to all of you out there for allowing me to continue to live the dumbest existence ever… And now! Joining us from New York, and fresh off his first regular-season game in a New York Jets uniform – a legendary performance in which he absolutely blew the barn doors off of MetLife Stadium, and ripped the collective hearts out of the Buffalo Beels in the process – former Packers legend, four-time MVP, Super Bowl champion, Book Club founder and long-time friend of the progrum… Aaron Rodgers.
[ALL]: Yeah! Aaron!
[AR]: What’s up… Pat, AJ, Connor, Tone, Pacman- hey, where’s Ty?
[PM]: Alright, obviously you didn’t watch the-
[TD]: Ty’s serving another suspension. Offended Uncle Mickey again. Never said why.
[BC]: Just like in May.
[AR]: Wait, I remember that- wasn’t Ty at a bachelor party in Myrtle Beach? And Connor, what’s with the suit? Are you selling out or something?
[BC]: Well, you’re batting a thousand already, A-Rod. Ty’s been suspended. And you know what? I’m not even the real Boston Connor. The real Boston Connor is on hunger strike, in solidarity with Ty Schmit in Miami, okay? I’m AI Agent Connor. So stuff it.
[AJ]: Yeah, Conman’s straight out of the Matrix. Pretty wild.
[AR]: Wait, what? So Ty’s on vacation again? I was really hoping to see him and talk about last night’s win.
[PM]: Don’t worry boss, Connor’s just sore about what you said about the Patriots the other day prolly going 3 and 14. Can we move along here and get to the actual game? The throttling that we beheld-
[BC]: No, Pat’s lying. Bruce, you noting this back there for the corrections segment?
[BB]: Fib noted!
[AR]: Wait, your still doing that segment?
[PJ]: You missed it, bro.
[BC]: Correct statement from my co-host. You missed genuine sports entertainment.
[AR]: Ah… what?
[PM]: Okay, okay! So A.Q. Shipley had to sit in the harness and get bench-pressed by our in-studio guest, who was also holding on to three 45-pound plates-
[BC]: False statement, they each weighed 44.86-
[TD]: Connor warned y’all he’s a robot.
[PM]: Yeah, well, we would’ve done the segment after you, but Shannon Sharpe was only available in the Thunderdome in the second hour. It was absolutely incredible, how he bench-pressed A.Q. in that harness holding the weights.
[AR]: Seriously? Shannon Sharpe was there?
[TD]: Didn’t even break a sweat. And you think Connor’s got a nice suit, well let me tell-
[PJ]: Yes! And he didn’t even take it off. Just one hoist and- bam! And there was A.Q., halfway up to the rafters, hollerin’ like a baby.
[AR]: Wow, how you feeling, buddy?
[AQ]: Getting better, thank you.
[AR]: Pat, why are you torturing A.Q. like this anyway?
[PM]: Well… er… from the group text last week, Bruce discovered it was actually Mr. In-the-Trenches who leaked the story that you, Taylor Swift and Shannon were going to buy the Jets. And hey, we know Taylor’s a dawg, but we didn’t think she could bench-press this mountain of a man-
[AR]: Oh, alright, I get it. Pretty rough new rules over there, looks like ESPN is running a tight ship.
[PM]: Hey- just trying to run a small regional business here in Indiana. But let’s get to last night’s game- a lot of experts in the sports media have been writing a lot of dumb sheet all through the preseason- I think you silenced those critics in pretty convincing fashion last night with a performance for the ages- four touchdown passes, 403 passing yards, 23 rush yards, no turnovers… tell you what, keep that up pal, and might as well book it for a fifth MVP. How did you see the game?
[AR]: Well, of course everyone’s entitled to their opinions, but as we all know when it’s all said and done, the game is played on the field, and the fact that we were winless in the preseason while I was filming in the Amazon obviously has no bearing on the regular season. But really, it was our offensive line play, some great blocks from the tight ends, and of course Garrett Wilson made that nice fake on that 103-yard ball… but also let’s not overlook how our defense set the tone, stepped up at key moments, and really shut the door on Josh Allen when the Bills were driving late. Listen, we still could have lost, and as you constantly say yourselves, football is a team sport… Now and going forward, so much of our success is going to be predicated on the success of the guys around me.
[PJ]: Yeah, Aaron, thanks for bringing up the defense- and by the way, your arm looked shcrong all night, shout out- but I wanted to ax you ‘bout my boy Sauce who snagged that crucial pick with a minute and change left to get Buffalo off the field and sorta seal the win.
[BC]: Shout out, Sauce!
[PJ]: Yeah, well, I wanted to know what you told him after the game, looked like you had a moment there-
[AR]: Great question, Pacman. Yeah, Sauce’s been a great teammate ever since I got here- we bonded early on, those Knicks games and so on from May. I gave him the game ball, as you saw. That was a clutch play you’d expect from a vet. I’m really impressed with the whole team in that respect, everyone’s accountable and stepping up to their roles, and it showed last night on the field. Ti come out of it 28-23, I feel so much gratitude to my teammates and of course, the fans for being so loud.
[PM]: Yeah, speaking of you, A-Rod on the field after the game- what was that all about? You think Yanks pissed about that Mets hat? Some seek-
[AR]: Nay. People read backasswards... Connor?
[BC]: Yeah, well, for me it’ll always be the helmet catch when it comes to insert phrase the worst New York memories… But now that you’re living there, or maybe even it was something earlier in your career, what’s your wildest N.Y. moment?
[AR]: Honestly, Connor, it’s not even a football memory. It would have to have been that river plane-landing. Saw it televised, but must’ve been real. Blew my mind.
[TD]: Like AJ’s underground tunnels…
[BC]: Hawk’s despicable.
[AJ]: What’d I miss?
[PM]: Hey stay awake there! Yo pay attention A.J.! You’re supposed to call Tone out there, now that we’re professional journalists and all that! He should have said ‘allegedly’ or whatever!
[TD]: This is so ridiculous. ‘Alleged’ underground tunnels.
[AR]: Does anyone want to talk about the actual game? Otherwise I can just get to the Book Club-
[PM]: No, no no! Sorry, Aaron, we got off on a bit of a… yeah, Pacman?
[PJ]: Yo Aaron, you mentioned the crowd noise being a factor in your advantage last night. So what kinda craziness Jets fans bringin’? We talked to Fireman Ed again last week, obviously he was electric, but we seen other fanbases-
[PM]: Breaking news! Chiefsaholic is still on the loose, get this, believed to have robbed the Central Bank of Nicaragua! I mean, how-
[AR]: I didn’t hear that one. Actually, Pacman, nothing wild from a fan, but our friend A.J. has suggested I ‘rewolf’ Central Park.
[PM]: ‘Rewolf’ Central Park? What does that even mean? Like, add wolves? To, like, roam free?
[AR]: That’s how I understood it. I never knew Central Park once had wolves. Well, maybe before the English-
[BC]: Hawk, you absolute menace!
[TD]: Technically, they would have been Dutch.
[PM]: What? Wait, I’m trying to get my head around this… Hawk, you told Aaron to use his celebrity clout to put wolves in Central Park? Huh? What on earth? Was this Axl’s idea or something?
[AJ]: Yeah, obviously I ask my five-year-old son what to advise Aaron Rodgers. No Pat, A-Rod was just telling me about the bison in Golden Gate Park, near his home stomping grounds, and I thought maybe he could add some flair to his new city by expanding the biodiversity. I mean, it’s not like I ever go to New York.
[BC]: Wolves have a sixty-mile radius of movement and while believed extinct in New York State, could potentially enter on their own, adding possibility to this hypothetical.
[TD]: Artifical Intelligence’s gettin’ good. Conman could probably have a wolf replace the Door Dash guy if he really wanted. Better put that obese dog of yours out front, Pat, not even a wolf’s eatin’ through that.
[PM]: Wait, what the f*ck’d Boston Connor just say? That’s not our Connor-
[AJ]: Shouldn’t have spilled the beans, boys. We coulda had Aaron believing it was really Connor.
[AR]: Wait, that’s really an AI Connor? But that suit is impeccable. And I shook your hand after the game last night- we drank a beer-
[BC]: You thought you shook my hand, friend… sane with the beer. And yes, this is the actual suit worn by Agent Smith in the actual Matrix, okay? Your plant medicine cannot help you in my realm, compadre.
[PM]: Okay, obviously what Connor’s trying to say is he’s still pissed about your comment about the Patriots- but geez Louise! Lighten up there, Connor! At least, just pipe down will you. And apologize to the man!
[BC]: Request denied. Never send a human to do a machine’s job, Pat.
[AR]: Seriously, this is getting fascinating. Your memory impresses, Connor.
[PM]: Don’t encourage him! Anyway, Aaron- one hell of a flyover last night, wasn’t it?
[AR]: Yeah, pretty magnificent… but the craziest part was when your guy Jack Carr parachuted in at the fifty-yard line, shot down a drone, and then went over to the box seats to high-five with the editor of the New York Times. He’s been on the top of their best-seller list ever since you did that great ad for him defusing a nuke-
[PM]: Hey! We had nothing to do with it! Don’t give credit where- you know what kind of a reader I am- we’re just a small regional progrum-
[AR]: Oh, I thought the whole drama was really part of you all shooting a new promo for his next book. You mean he really shot down a drone?
[TD]: Alien origin, most likely. Or Chinese.
[AJ]: What I’m curious to know is how that MetLife super turf could make that comeback and fill in that impact crater like that. It was like when they show crop circles fix themselves-
[PJ]: Legit.
[PM]: Yeah, when I saw that I was like, what the- and then while the turf was fixing itself, sort of, you know, stretching out and rolling back in a full horizontal, the booth cam was focused straight on the Beels bench and you could see the expression on Von Miller’s face, like, what the-
[AJ]: That’s it, Rog recruited Jack Carr for the owners’ conspiracy against grass-
[TD]: While they’re bendin’ over backwards to grow grass for the Soccer Lombardi-
[AJ]: Don’t get me started. If only Ty was here, I’d like to pick his take on all ths.
[AR]: Well this conversation has really gone off-piste. Yeah, I also wish Ty was here. Would love to hear his thoughts.
[BC]: You hear that, Mr. Rodgers? That is the sound of inevitability.
[AR]: Okay, Conman, now you’re just plagiarizing. If you’re a robot, pull your face off or something cool like that.
[PM]: I’d be careful there, boss, Connor’s not been himself since Ty was suspended-
[BC]: Damnit, how many times do I have to say, they’re both down in Miami, hanging with Jules and Brady, okay? Ever since this whole ESPN deal, we have literally all access everywhere- there’s no suspension- it’s all a fugaze!
[PM]: Hold on, Zito’s saying something in my ear… Ladies and gentlemen! We have some breaking news! Now those of you new to the progrum might not know, that, while being with the Worldwide Leader in Sports has now completely transformed our reach and access to absolute legends in the sports world, there are still some legends who have been along for the ride the whole time with us- among them is a man who needs no introduction, and he’s taking some time out of his busy schedule, which primarily consists of boozing and scouting for next year’s draft- ladies and gentlemen, Mad Mel Kiper!
[ALL]: Yeah! Mel!
[MM]: Well thank you very much, Pat, boys, good to be back, great to be back, Hawk, why don’t you start by wiping that dumbass smirk off your face for starters, show some respect, huh?
[AR]: Ty, are you drunk?
[MM]: Absolutely not, Aaron, but thanks for asking. By the way, one hell of a game last night, way to spread the wealth and exhibit those out of pocket intangibles that have put you on the express flight to Canton already- but I’ll tell you what, you better be careful- you keep up this trajectory, little word of warning here, and Woody – hell, he’s not a dumbass like Hawk here – he’s a businessman, and he’s liable to sit your ass on the pine by the early third qarter every week so that conditional 2024 pick to the Packers won’t become a first-rounder, if you don’t play 65 percent of the snaps this year… word of warning, bub. But obviously I’ve already put both scenarios on my draft board and with the Packers’ projected 6-11 record, I’m down here right now, boots on the ground, and tell you what? I’ve already got a pretty solid idea who’s going where next year. Not that I’m telling any of you bums.
[PM]: Mel! Where the hell are you? And what is that in the background?
[MM]: Pat, I am boots on the ground at the beautiful Hard Rock Hotel in Miami, I will be moving around, providing updates- oh Goddamnit it! Someone tell these roadies to be careful, I almost spilled my drink!
[AR]: Roadies? Ty, where are you?
[MM]: Hey Aaron, we’ve seen you bouncing around like a giddy schoolgirl at T-Swift and gave you the benefit of the doubt, alright? Look, I’m here waiting for Sting, okay?
[PM]: Sting? What the?
[TD]: At least you got there late enough you didn’t have to see Madonna.
[MM]: Look, we got our dates mixed up, okay? Seat Geek screwed us over! I was expecting Skynyrd. Blame Connor!
[AR]: Wait, Connor’s there? Put him in too, Ty.
[BC]: I would not advise that, Mr. Rodgers.
[MM]: Look, Aaron, I’m not Ty Schmit, okay? I’m the rea Mel Kiper! That imposter of yours is serving a suspension for pissing off Uncle Mickey! You want Connor, well, he’s with Brady and Sting backstage right now, go find him yourself. Hell, soundcheck hasn’t even started yet, I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you bums. I need another drink. I’m outta here.
[PM]: Wait, Mad Mel! Real quick, before you go- have you heard anything about how the real Ty might be serving his suspension?
[MM]: Well, I’ve been sworn to secrecy, but what the hell, it’s not like anyone’s watching you bums anyway- what I’m hearing from my source-
[ALL]: Sourc-es!
[MM]: Anyway, what I’ve heard is Uncle Mickey personally demanded Ty sit down and write an official apology letter, but he’s staying strong and following your example, Pat, from that time you fell asleep during the movie in class, and the teacher tried, I believe unsuccessfully, to get you to write an apology letter. That’s it from me.
[PM]: Attaboy, Ty!
[AR]: This is so bizarre, and yet, sort of beautiful.
[AJ]: Yeah, totally restores my faith in humanity.
[PM]: Wait, Zito’s telling me to look at the ticker… huh? How’s that even possible?
[TD]: Looks like Mad Mel just moved 3,435 tickets for Sting on Seat Geek. Maybe they think they’ll get a selfie with Ty and Conman.
[PM]: Wait, how’s that even possible? Does anyone in this office even like Sting?
[AR]: He had some bangers.
[BC]: What do you see when you see this office? Trust me, Pat, you cannot comprehend-
[PM]: Oh would you shut the… up, Connor! Let’s get back to the game… Aaron, when you launched that-
[AR]: Sorry, Pat- incoming call- gotta take this one. See you guys, much love.
[PM]: Well way to go boys! Way to waste the guest’s time! That was arguably the worst Aaron Rodgers Tuesday ever.
[AJ]: ‘Allegedly,’ you mean.
[TD]: The suits told us to clean up our act. Shoulda known who they’re dealing with…
[PM]: Okay, this is the dumbest show of all time, and today we’ve shown exactly why, on every television in America, and on the internet... Looks like we lost the feed with Mad Mel Kiper, but I want to thank him for joining us, and of course Aaron Rodgers for taking time out of his Tuesday, and- thanks for nothing, Connor-
[BC]: Communication denied.
[PM]: What was that, you Masshole f*ck? Why don’t you lose some weight so you can get back to your normal clothes!
[BC]: Aggressor detected. Drone launch commencing.
[AJ]: Glad I’m in Columbus. Man, if Connor’s really AI after all, the Thunderdome’s in a heap of trouble.
[PM]: Okay, this show still stinks. I apologize to our viewers for this nonsense, we’ve got to go to break and sort out this malfunctioning specimen. Hopefully when we return we’ll still be alive and well, and not in some smoking wreckage… This show just gets worse and worse… Take five!
[ALL]: Five!
…………………
Corporate Feedback (not for circulation- close hold):
-The ESPN Quality Control Review Board notes that generally, we felt this was a good start to the partnership. It minimized or omitted references to previous partnerships/brands. The review board enjoyed the creative narrative arc and was impressed by the restraint shown by most actors in eliminating customary curse-words that could offend key advertisers and become problematic in major media references.
Further recommendations will follow after a second in-house review that will also incorporate media reactions to the above segment, and which will seek to develop such pre-discussed story arcs as ‘McAfee to purchase the World Cup,’ as well as ‘McAfee’s response to Rapoport’s comments on Stephen A. Smith’s remarks on resetting the market for broadcasters,’ and ‘space aliens using cryptocurrency valuation surges to affect the rate of ‘smart grass’ implementation in stadiums.’
Finally, PMS executives should be made aware that the request to broadcast the Super Bowl episode from the Moon depends entirely on Mr. Cruise’s personal schedule and cannot be confirmed at this date.